friday, oct 27th 2023

dear morgan,

so.. turns out i do love u after all. n crazily enough.. it turns out that u love me too..

i am still convinced that the bartender slipped something into my drink yesterday.. or there was something in the ice cubes i got to eat with the spoon u helped me ask for.. a little bit of liquid courage?? but even then.. telling u that i love u.. by far one of the scariest things i’ve ever done..

it’s pretty strange.. it still feels like i have to wrench the words out of my chest when i say them to u. would have thought it would be easier the second or even the sixth time, but it somehow feels as raw n all-consuming as it did the first..

looking at u. i think i finally See..

u r everything i could ever ask for!! and i believe that saying The Three Words will not ever be enough. it’s terrifying how often the urge to blurt them out comes to me.. and how the itch is never satisfied… if only i could just hold u in my arms forever..

when i think about the future, i think in the plural now.. our lives.. and what they might hold.. for once, i am almost excited about the prospect of uncertainty because i know that there will always be a constant in the thick of it.

the infinite potential of this world n the endless possibilities they hold n i've somehow been led me to u.. and now we get to navigate our converging paths together.. isn't this life just so wonderful......

all my love,
shenita


thursday, oct 26th 2023

dear morgan,

it’s a thursday afternoon and u r sleeping beside me on the couch looking so pretty.. if this isn’t bliss.. i don’t know what is….

still don’t know how u always manage to fall asleep so fast.. tried to tuck u in as best as i could without waking u up n i have to say that i am not too proud of my handiwork. ur feet are still sticking out from the bottom n ur hands are on full display poised daintily over ur stomach instead of under the blanket.. but then again!! i would like to think that i have many more attempts in the future to practice n perfect my technique..

but man oh man!! if i could just stay here forever i would.. listening to the steady cadence of your snoring.. watching ur chest rise n fall..

u know that i’ve never been a particularly religious person. but i am starting to think that some greater forces at play have worked some magic to bring u into my life. looking at u right now.. u look like an angel.. so perfect in every possible way.. and somehow with every passing second we spend together, u become even more otherworldly in ur beauty..

before i met u, i never thought too deeply about l*ve beyond the way i’d seen it portrayed in the books i read n the movies i watched. it felt like an abstract concept.. a hazy sense of anticipation.. not something to be experienced, but rather to be examined n discussed.

and yet!! here i am!! and now it seems as if my heart is in a simultaneous state of pure anguish n pure joy.

how do i adequately put it into words? i feel as though i could explode into a million pieces every time i look into ur eyes.. u somehow manage to occupy every nook n cranny of my mind at all times.. n weirdest of all.. i have never found myself wanting to know (or to be known by) someone so deeply.. such an unfamiliar n scary feeling!!

i’d never be so bold as to think that i could ever fully understand what Love is.. with all its nuances.. and in its perpetual flux. but spending all this time with u has been a tremendous learning experience. and i think i am starting to know a little bit more about what it might mean.. and could continue to mean.. to me.. and possibly to Us????

we talked a bit about this last night but i’ve come so close to saying The Three Words to u now. it’s strange how naturally the urge comes to me now.. constantly on the tip of my tongue. listening to music with u on the subway.. walking back from the mega vrac.. working alongside u at cafes.. lying next to u in bed.. but i’m scared!! for i know i will mean it!! n i don't know if u will feel the same way!! n this is all so new to me!!

what else do i know? i know that i will never tire of holding ur hand.. that there is no greater privilege in this life than waking up next to u.. that u r so beyond perfect.. that i am stupidly lucky to be able to call u my partner.. and that i cannot wait to continue to spend the rest of my days with u by my side..

love,
shenita